November 24, 2020

Life

When I got divorced I was pumped and ready to go it alone for as far as I could see. I was set to focus on myself and continue my journey of healing and finding peace, caring for my children, helping them heal, and live an amazing life with and for them.

Dating was the last thing I wanted to do and furthest from my mind.

But I received promptings that I needed to meet someone.

Ug.

This entire year has been possible because I have been following all the promptings and living by faith more than I ever have in my life. (I don’t take credit for that – I thank my loving and merciful Heavenly Father for the gift of faith and the gift of discernment that He has given me.)

He opened my understanding that we are not meant to be alone.

So I told Him, I would put myself out there but I’m leaving the rest up to Him.

I’ll talk with and meet people who want to talk and meet and not get hung up on the people who don’t.

While I wouldn’t say I’ve talked to a ton of people, every person I’ve talked to has made a huge impact on my life. To reveal new lessons I needed to learn, to receive the gift of love and goodness in abundance, to trigger me and help me continue to process and heal on my journey of what needs to come up. And best of all, to make friends.

I will admit that I constantly catch myself asking, “Is he the one?” “Is he the love of my life?” but I just live and act as I do, and when I’m awkward I acknowledge my awkwardness in vulnerable and open ways. And honestly, it’s been really enjoyable to meet people, to watch their interactions and reactions, and to see what unfolds.

But at the end of the day I still wonder, am I going to stay alone?

There are so many women and mothers who never get remarried. And I recognize there are endless reasons for that. Like my mom. She never dated again. It’s hard to get remarried when you don’t date. And that’s ok.

But it still hurts my heart.

To know what can be, to know truth, and to know that it might never be.

I hold space for that.

I hold it like a baby who just had a blow out and barfed down the front of them at the same time.

I hold it at arms length.

It doesn’t really feel good. and it triggers all my self doubts and beliefs of not being enough, not being worthy of goodness.

and I cry.

But I still have faith, and I keep moving forward, and I keep walking this path and talking to the people I meet on my way.

Perhaps one day I’ll meet someone who wants to walk with me and together we’ll stay.

Sometimes I see Dear Lizzy’s posts on Instagram. Her husband, Collin Kartchner (sp?) passed away. They had that magic love.

I can’t imagine that loss. the heart break, the sorrow.

But something inside of me wishes that it was my own.

I’m familiar with sorrow and grief and pain and heartbreak.

But to have a love like that be the reason for the struggle would make it all worth it. it would give purpose to my pain.

I don’t say that to disrespect in any way. I mourn with her. I feel her loss.

To see the love they had stirs something inside of me that feels so familiar.

love is so powerful!

it’s so BIG!

I’ve felt that before. I know it. I have it inside bursting to get out.

I can feel it!

Like a volcano ready to explode!

I’m so ready to love. To be one. To be whole.

But tonight as I read Lizzy’s posts and wondered if I’ll ever get a turn to love like that, to be loved like that, the thought came to me,

What if I’m not meant to love just one person.

What if my purpose is to love all people. and to receive love from all people.

Not in a sexual way… duh.

But more in the sense that I am a traveler and my journey in life is to meet many people on the path of life, to have deep interactions with others that I couldn’t if I were in a relationship.

I wonder that sometimes and it makes me sad. Yet it’s also invigorating and exciting. But now that I’ve typed it out, it doesn’t ring true. (glad I can stop thinking that thought now. lol.)

So here I am.

Alone.

But it’s not the way I’m meant to be.

So I’ll keep waiting, and meeting, and loving, and letting go.

And hopefully someday someone will find me who doesn’t want to leave, and who I want to have stay.

and then we can be alone together.

and hopefully that won’t be alone at all…

Tags: alone, love, marriage

Comments:

A friend replied on Facebook,

“Sometimes, we feel
Broken and that’s ok. Restoring makes something worn new and beautiful, much like our Savior does for us through His Atonement. ”

I don’t dispute this. I love it!

but I want to clarify a few points that get meshed when they really are very different.
Here was my reply,

“yes, definitely. But I think there is a significant difference between feeling broken and believing that we ARE broken. That’s what I’m referring to here.
We most definitely need the Savior to make us whole, but I honestly believe that we limit what He can do for us if we define ourselves as being broken – it limits the hope and the faith we can have for being healed. If I believe I AM broken, then can I really have the faith to believe that I can actually been made whole again? I’ve already limited myself and Him.
It also impacts the way we interact with others in a very unhealthy way. That we become codependent on others which leads to all sorts of problems, like further abuse and mistreatment, as well as distracts us from relying on the Savior – who is the only person we truly need to depend on.
Referring to Elizabeth’s focus to change the way we view victims and survivors, there is a lot of stigma and shame around being viewed as broken. So in that sense we also limit others, how we see them, and how we interact with them when we define others as broken. Which hurts the viewer and the receiver.
We all have broken parts, and like the Japanese meme about the vase that is more beautiful when it is pieced back together, so are we when we receive the Saviors healing and atonement in our lives. ❤️ But that’s not typically how the world views it.
So I believe we agree, and I don’t think you meant otherwise, but I wanted to expound if anyone else also reads these comments. 😘”