November 24, 2020
Can you hear it?
It’s so quiet.
but it’s there…
every now and then it does it again.
The shell that has held my love in. trapped.
the ice that has kept me frozen, drowning and disconnected from the warmth of the light. trapped.
it’s starting to open.
I can feel the warmth returning and escaping all at the same time.
When I was in college I could do this thing where I would be hurting or sad, and my friends would comfort me and cheer me up, but in the end it was always me cheering them up.
I know that because one time my good friend pointed it out to me that I always did that.
I haven’t been like that for a very long time.
A shell formed over my heart.
But in the last few days things have happened,
I’ve been open and vulnerable,
I’ve been grateful.
and people have loved me,
they’ve held my vulnerability and kept me safe.
God showed me that I can believe again.
And it’s ok to love again.
It’s safe to love.
And there are really people there to receive my love.
It feels good.
and it hurts.
I’m so excited and happy to feel that again.
and I mourn the long time that I’ve gone without that.
To be able to receive that love and return it with kindness, caring and compassion.
I want to be that person again!
It’s been a long time.
and I’m grateful that’s over.
I noticed tonight that I even started to look for opportunities to love and to lift.
It was new.
It was different.
and a little bit scary.
I don’t want the actions of others to switch off my heart again.
So I’ll be watching. watching and waiting, to learn to walk again
and take those steps
to test those waters.
And when there is no one there to hold my heart, I will learn to hold it for myself.
It’s not up to others to hold space for us.
But it helps.
And I’m grateful for those who hold space for me.
I’m excited to love again.