July 16, 2020
It’s surprising that with all the shame I’ve carried around with me for ALLLLL of my life, there is one thing I have no shame about.
Neil and I are getting divorced.
I am the child of divorce. I was 4 when my parents were divorced.
I am the textbook example of a child from a difficult divorce, neglect and abuse. Every cell of my body is (was) filled with trauma and shame. I was a troubled teen and a high school drop out (for one year). And I carried all that baggage with me into my marriage and one by one each item in those bags got triggered, unpacked, and took over my peace my happiness.
My husband brought a lot of baggage with him too. But this isn’t his story, so I will stick to telling mine in honesty and openness. Even if it makes me the target of judgement and ridicule – because I know they (judgement and ridicule) aren’t warranted, and I know they don’t belong to me.
Judgement never does belong to the one being judged. It’s a reflection of the creator of it. It’s dished out as venom, subconsciously hoping that if it’s discarded it will deplete and kill what the creator refuses to accept and acknowledge in themselves and what they resist most. But instead it spreads what they hate in themselves to everything around them and there is nothing they can do to keep from being reminded of what they don’t want to see.
Unrighteous judgement is an epidemic that is destroying lives, societies, and cultures. Judgement was an overarching factor in the shame and trauma of my life.
The power of judgement ends when we finally stop avoiding self and start listening to our own bodies. Start listening to our own souls. And we greet ourselves with compassion, love, and acceptance. When we come to fully accept self, there is nothing left to judge.
I wasn’t planning on spinning off onto a judgement tangent. But coming back around I think understanding this view is the reason I carry no shame in this step of my life.
I actually don’t want to talk about what I thought I was going to talk about now. Except to say that I’m grateful to be in a place of no self-judgement. That in what I thought and expected would be the greatest place of deserved shame and feelings of guilt and failure, I have none.
I’m grateful for the walk I’ve had with my Heavenly Parents who have led me, guided me, blessed me more and in more ways than I could ever share; who are healing me and preparing me for this place in my life.
I’m terrified to step off this cliff into the unknown.
But I am ready to be free. Free from all that baggage.
I am ready to fly.